I think I'm giving up on people. Why do I even hold onto my friendships? I've had so many "good" friends come in and out of my life that I make it extremely difficult to let people in anymore. I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and people tend to take advantage of that. So, the few friends I let into my life are family to me, and it breaks my heart when I feel like our friendship is just shoved aside like some forgotten project. I understand the busy-ness of our lives. Trust me, I do, sometimes I think I'm the queen of Busy. But I still make time for my friends. I call, I email, and I make time to have time for my friends, just like I do for my family.
I've even tried making online friends over the last few months. With the exception of a very few, online friends are worse. You sign on, and you see people just disappear. Even if you don't have time to chat, but they don't know that, and social networks are becoming just as bad. All of your so-called "friends". Most of them aren't true friends. Just people you used to know or who are nosy enough to make sure they have to know what the hell you're doing all the time by your status or bulletins or whatever. It's just fucking exhausting.
I do have my husband, but between our schedules, we only possibly see each other 12 hours a week, if even that! We rarely get to talk, and when we do, it's usually normal routine banter or drunken "I have no idea what I'm saying" conversations or the dirty pillow talk. Yes, he's the one closest to me, but he's rarely ever there and I need more than the whole "ships passing in the night" crap. I appreciate what he does for our family, but it's not just him sacrificing here.
Funny thing is, I'm so fucking lonely, I must seem desperate to keep any adult friendship going. I'm not. Maybe I should just keep to myself, become reclusive. Hell, I know I make myself happy. I don't ever let myself down or disappoint myself. I suppose I could be content with just my nuclear group. No one in, no one out, just me and my boys. I know if I did that I'd have a clear mind because then I wouldn't have anyone else but the fam to think about.