Monday, November 17, 2008

Giving It Up For Lonely

I think I'm giving up on people. Why do I even hold onto my friendships? I've had so many "good" friends come in and out of my life that I make it extremely difficult to let people in anymore. I do wear my heart on my sleeve, and people tend to take advantage of that. So, the few friends I let into my life are family to me, and it breaks my heart when I feel like our friendship is just shoved aside like some forgotten project. I understand the busy-ness of our lives. Trust me, I do, sometimes I think I'm the queen of Busy. But I still make time for my friends. I call, I email, and I make time to have time for my friends, just like I do for my family.

I've even tried making online friends over the last few months. With the exception of a very few, online friends are worse. You sign on, and you see people just disappear. Even if you don't have time to chat, but they don't know that, and social networks are becoming just as bad. All of your so-called "friends". Most of them aren't true friends. Just people you used to know or who are nosy enough to make sure they have to know what the hell you're doing all the time by your status or bulletins or whatever. It's just fucking exhausting.

I do have my husband, but between our schedules, we only possibly see each other 12 hours a week, if even that! We rarely get to talk, and when we do, it's usually normal routine banter or drunken "I have no idea what I'm saying" conversations or the dirty pillow talk. Yes, he's the one closest to me, but he's rarely ever there and I need more than the whole "ships passing in the night" crap. I appreciate what he does for our family, but it's not just him sacrificing here.

Funny thing is, I'm so fucking lonely, I must seem desperate to keep any adult friendship going. I'm not. Maybe I should just keep to myself, become reclusive. Hell, I know I make myself happy. I don't ever let myself down or disappoint myself. I suppose I could be content with just my nuclear group. No one in, no one out, just me and my boys. I know if I did that I'd have a clear mind because then I wouldn't have anyone else but the fam to think about.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Life Regained

I can't remember when I wrote this, but I think it was in high school.

Darkness surrounds-
Yet I live.
I cry to heave
Yet I'm not heard.
I curse towards hell
And all breaks loose.
Breath runs away-
Sight begins to fade-
Feeling is no more.
I cry to be loved
And arms hold me.
Feeling your supernatural
Peace is all I feel
And seeing your supernatural
Light is all I see
breathing your power
Is all I breathe.
You brought me back
And keep me close
To protect and love.

Hating the Good Life?

I'm trying to figure something out. Well, actually I've been working on it for the last couple of months at least. How can someone be happy and miserable at the same time? How can someone feel heartbroken and happy simultaneously? How can I feel so lonely when I know I am not? Why do I feel this way when I do not want to feel like this? Let me lay it all on the line here.

I have a good life. I'm in a good marriage that has overcome many struggles. We may be in a rut right now, but it's still a good marriage. And I love him. Probably too much. I have two sons that are absolutely amazing. My eight year old is so smart, witty, and sensitive. Practically a mini-me. My two year old...(well, he'll be 2 in 3 weeks) heart soars when he hugs me. He's so damn funny too. My family is great. They have been a tremendous support lately. I have a great job that supports my family while I am slowly plugging away at starting my own business with my best friend. My friends, the extremely few I have, are the best I have ever had. They are my family as well.

Even as I write this, I think to myself, how can someone feel so sad, alone, and unsure when they have what I have? I used to think it was "hormonal" or "stress", but when those subsided, the misery stayed. Some people tell me to relax or have time alone. Well, that's when it's the worst. The more I relax or have time alone, the more I think on it. I think that's why I stay so busy or drink. The busier I am, the less time I have to think. The more shitfaced I get, the less I have to think. Some people tell me to talk about it. How can I talk about it when I'm not really sure about why I feel this way? Plus I feel that people have their own problems, they don't want to hear mine either. And I've shown them that everything is just fine for so long, that I somehow feel I'd "disappoint" or "let down" people. So, I guess that just leaves me with professional help, which I can't afford right now.

I never thought I'd feel this way. Unsure, alone, self-conscious, worried, and sad. I used to be so confident, didn't care if people wanted to be with me or not, didn't give a flying flip what people thought or did, only worried about things that mattered within a short time frame, and probably the happiest person around. I know that being a mother and an adult brings it's own worries, stress, and difficulties, but I just never thought I'd feel ...such despair.

Thursday, August 7, 2008

Bus Stop Fall (Spring 2000)

Following is derived from a writing exercise to focus on voice or perspective as it's known outside of the writer's world.

Bill looked up from the ground and stared straight into the eyes of some gorgeous blonde, who just happens to be chuckling to herself behind perfectly manicured nails. Bob knew she was laughing about his trip down the stairs. This blonde helped him to his feet, complimented his tie, and introduced herself as Rachel Stevens, his new boss. Then she offered to buy him a cup of coffee.


Charlie chuckled to himself as some moron missed the last step off the bus and lands flat on his face. As a Greyhound bus driver, Charlie sees this thing happen all the time, but this time that moron gets help from some blondie that was just laughing at him. The last thing Charlie saw as he closed the tinted door was the moron and the blondie walking into the gas station together. Damn, some guys have that kind of luck. Fucking moron


After chuckling to herself at the guy tipping down the stairs, she feels like an ass when she realizes it's her co-worker, Bill. As Rachel helps Bill up to his feet, she thinks, "How can such an intelligent man not grasp the easy art of walking?" She tells him she likes his bold, blue tie, which she really does. She knows Bill is embarrassed, so she offers to buy him a cup of coffee.


Greg laughs to himself as he saw some typical guy in a suit fall off the bus. "Shit, he must feel like a fool," thought Greg. As he rang up two Budweisers for a customer, Greg saw some hot, blonde babe walk over to the guy in the suit with a smile on her face and help that guy up. "Man," thought Greg, "I wish it were that easy to pick chicks up."

The Scar (Spring 2000)

This was derived from a writing exercise that we had to describe as much as possible in 5 minutes. I plan to finish this someday.

Jacob was afraid. He was afraid to come out in the daylight and let people see it. This was his one private thing...his secret. Jacob had a scar. It wasn't a physical scar, but it was so emotionally deep that it seemed physical to Jacob.

He first started drawing his scar when he was ten years old. The drawing started because some shrink his mom was boinking said it may help get over his shyness. Boy, that shrink was wrong.

The drawings started out like a chicken pox scar; small, round, and barely visible. As he became older, the care began to look like something on Frankenstein. A tiny strip of skin with a row of tiny stitches. Year year, this scar became more and more grotesque, and Jacob became more self-conscience about it. Almost as if the scar had become a physical manifestation on his body instead of something folded up and in his back pocket. Even though the scar was a figment of his imagination, Jacob began to sequester himself in his own home more and more. Afraid...afraid to show himself to the world.

Tink's Diary (Spring 2000)

Dear Diary,

I can't believe he brought that bitch here of all places! This is my home too! First, he forces me to give up some of MY fairy dust to sprinkle the "Darling" brats so he he can teach them how to fly. Then, he brings her to my home! John and Michael I absolutley adore. Their only fault is that they are related to her. I know Peter doesn't love her. He just enjoys showing off. He acts the same way around those stupid mermaids. I just hate that Wendy. She probably doesn't eve care for Peter. She's just probably one of those girls who likes to have guys who have special talents. You know, like flying, detachable shadows, and never-ending youth. She won't last. She doesn't understand him like I do. I understand his world. I can be with him forever and never grow old like him. She doesn't understand the magic of his life. I can take care of him and love him like he needs. He can't handle some human broad. She's not magical. That's me. I'm the magic one.


Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Physically Connecting

Physical's a basic human need. We crave to be touched if it has been too long since feeling that connection. Just like air, water, food, and shelter...a basic human need. A friend's hug, a lover's touch, holding hands with your child. We need the physical connections to feel close to one another to feel connected. In a world with internet, texting, cell phones, it is entirely too easy to not connect or interact on the physical level, but at the risk of becoming a recluse -- at least a recluse within.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Losing It

I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel I am not allowed to be stressed or upset or anything but in a good mood. If I am, I, then, am told or shown that I'm selfish and I'm not supportive. I feel like I'm going to breakdown and completely lose it all. I was recently told "Just deal." I have been. For 10 years, I have been dealing with every painful dissappointment, stressful situation, heartbreaking lack of anything. I never thought I would reach a breaking point because I have always "been the strong one." I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of holding it all together so everyone else can freak or stress or just not even think about it. I often feel so alone admist all of the "dependency". No one to actually talk to about it, bear my soul to, let me cry, yell, not make any sense. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to fix the situation. I can fix it...eventually. I just want someone who will let me vent, freak out, whatever. Someone to hold me, tell me everything will be all right, tell me I'll make it through this. I often feel that no one really cares. I know that most of this isn't true, but I often feel that no one understands or can grasp the fact that I don't always have it all together. I feel like things are unraveling at a pace where I can't pick up the slack. I am losing faith in everything and that breaks my heart.

One's Just Gotta Drop

I hope that I am not the only mother/wife/working woman/friend/whatever else that feels like at any moment one of the balls I've been juggling is going to drop or just not come down at all. Seriously, I'm afraid that if one thing falls out of place, the entire world of routines that I and several other people depend on will completely shatter. Is this normal? Do I need not to worry? Should I consider therapy or anxiety medication? lol!

Sometimes I feel like my life has so much going on that I don't even get to enjoy it. Is that what retirement is supposed to be for? Yet, at the rate this economy is going, there won't be such a thing as retirement. [Another thing just to get worried about...]

Becoming Our Parents

Sometimes I wonder how my mom did it. Raised 5 kids by herself and juggled full-time work, church, our extra-curricular activites, and more. But there were costs of being in a single mom family. I do have some traits that she has, not necessarily parenting traits though. But no, I am not my mom. I believe I have a very different parenting style than she does, and every time I begin to lose my temper with my boys, remembering her temper with my brothers keeps me in check. But I do see her in some of the things I going all out for holidays and trying desperately to keep family night a sacred thing.

As for my dad...I have no idea if I'm like him. I only ever saw him a handful of times. I know I'm not like my mom's 2nd husband b/c he is the lowest type of person that I have ever encountered and he has ruined my little brother's life. As for my mom's 3rd husband, I can only strive to be like him. I know he's not perfect, but he's soft spoken, yet what he says is always important. He always thinks before speaking, finds joy in practically everything, has never-ending patience, and took us in when my mom had given up hope, treats us as his own children, and adores his (step) grandsons. And whenever I see him, he always makes an effort to squeeze me tight when he gives me a hug and tell me he loves me...just like a dad should.

I'm proud of the parent I've become, and each day, I think I become a better parent (even on those days I feel like the worst parent alive).

A Not-So-Good Night

One of my friends was trying to cheer me up about the not-so-good night I had one night. I really didn't want to go into details, so I gave one guess why my evening didn't go so well....Here is the guess:

Your night got ruined because you spilled spagetti sauce all down the front of your favorite dress, it's Chef Beauy-boirardi-no-that guy with the chef's hat.
Then you walked into the living room and Zoey (my dog) jumped on you, because she wanted the spagetti sauce. Both of you fell on the Christmas tree and broke every ornament. Then you went to the bathroom to get cleaned up, but you forgot you had broken glass all over your back and you sprinkled it all over the floor, killing your feet when you walked out. You got pissed and started kicking Easter baskets and candy bunnies all over the house. You were exhausted and you plopped on to the couch and were impaled by G.I. Joe's realistic assault rifle. Then you had to go to the hospital to have it removed, you were there until 4am, then Cy (my toddler) woke up at 4:30.

OMG!! I was laughing so hard when I read this. I have great friends!!!

Bring Back Table Manners!

Found on Yahoo! Shine...I think this is fantastic! I continuously try to install good manners in my boys.

During a dinner date this weekend, I was seated two tables away from a family with a teenager, a tween, a mom, dad and one set of grandparents. Completely wholesome, I thought, until the son got up and walked past us. He was a technological maven:
Ear pods in his ear for his iPod.
A small headset dangling from his right ear while the cable was neatly hidden and tucked in his sportcoat, a la Secret Service
Some sort of text messaging device.
He came and left from his meal about 10 times and when he was seated, he was listening to something on his iPod while he texted away. His family sat around him chatting, laughing, fully engaged. This seemingly polished kid, however, would jump in to the conversation every now and then, only to hunch back over his gadgets. Know what's even more interesting? I've seen this type of display from kids at restaurants before. Sometimes mom or dad will even prop up a DVD player for their kids to watch a movie so the adults can enjoy their meal.May I rant for second? The last time I checked it was still rude to wear a hat or baseball cap at the dinner table. So when did it become okay to turn a meal into an electronic feast for our kids? Shouldn't they learn how to sit at a dinner table -- at home or at a restaurant -- and know how to behave properly instead of being entertained by something else? And even more importantly, what's happening to their social skills? I'm just sayin'.But I'm also calling for us to get back to basics with teaching kids table manners. As in, let's teach them how to have a meal and actively participate in the dining experience. You can go look at
Emily Post's Rules for Table Manners for Kids for all the formal rules such as not letting your kids sit like slackers or talk with their mouths full. Saying "please" and "excuse me." Not reaching over the table. But let's simplify. I believe it comes down to two simple rules when eating at home or dining out:-Everyone should turn off all electronic devices. That means the televisions, portable DVD players, cell phone, video games, PDAs...whatever will pose a distraction. Mom and dad, this means you too. Don't answer any phone. Close the laptop. Make this a family rule. If your teenager wants to text message his buddy, let his room while dinner continues. If he comes back and dinner's over? Oh well. Kitchen's closed. He'll get the message.-Talk to your kids. Engage them at the table. This will teach them to talk to you. You'd be surprised what they have to say, even as toddlers. And if you start young, by the time they are teenagers this will already be a habit and routine that they may even look forward to. I know.Oh, yes, it can be painful at times (trust me, I really, really do know). I also know that family meals are somewhat becoming a thing of the past. When you do have a chance to have everyone sit down at the table together, make it count.

Technological Dependence

I admit it!

I have a technological dependency, and I cannot choose between one or the other or even that one over there. If someone actually took the time and sat and thought one thing after another, the conclusion would be that all of us have a technological dependency. It would just be a matter of where we define our technology. All of us cannot live without fire...the caveman discovered that. But we cannot live without items to build houses, whatever makes cars function, electricity, fiber optics, and satellites for all the new technological gizmos. (God, I sound like my grandparents -may they rest in peace). Therefore, I am baffled by the decision of the one gadget I must not surrender and hold close in spite of leaving all other devices deprived of my need!

Yet, like so many of the wanderers of the Internet who rove about, I choose the cell phone. Not only does it keep communications open between myself and the rest of this planet, it entertains the rambunctious ones with the games, Internet, camera and even the noisy buttons. This pocket-sized device is my computer away from my computer since with it, I have the ability to email, access money, and even rove the imaginary highway of the Internet. It replaces my digital camera in my most desperate attempt to capture the moment I need to see again and again. It replaces my calendar and day-planners, shoving 4 wildly different schedules into one tiny screen. It replaces my grocery list as I can record what I need to nourish my endlessly hungry familial companions. It substitutes practically every possible minute gadget or paper-ridden tool I have previously used in order to maintain the function of not only my life, but the strenuous life of my beloved, the hectic life of two very divergent lads, the schedule of a struggling, yet beginning business, and play double duty, if you would, as my hand-sized, scarlet, possibly cancer-causing, lifeline.

Sense of Self

I have always gotten crap about keeping up my active hobbies/interests/life (yes, even my college studies) after becoming a family and not giving up everything completely for my kids. Granted, my kids are my life, but I am an independent person who needs to experience my own things, and I expect my kids to be the same way. The extremely independent people are often the most creative, imaginative, and amazing people I have ever met.

So, today after reading Jo Frost's (aka Super Nanny) e-newsletter, I felt vindicated, maybe more like justified, when I read the tip of the month from her guest this month.


Rebecca Woolf's tip for moms: My grandmother's sage advice was/is "let the baby adapt to you." I think it's so-so important to maintain a strong sense of self, stay passionate about other things and experience life in ways independent of our children. This way our kids will never grow up in a household where they were resented. A mother shouldn't sacrifice her "self" for her children. It's not fair for her or her babies.

To get more awesome tips, ideas, and advice from the Super Nanny, go here:

The Beginning

Yep, I am actually creating a blog. There are times of have things to say that may or may not be said in respective forums or sites. While I am getting situated here, I will be pulling some of my other blogs/journals/writings so you may have something to read in the meantime. Enjoy!