I'm trying to figure something out. Well, actually I've been working on it for the last couple of months at least. How can someone be happy and miserable at the same time? How can someone feel heartbroken and happy simultaneously? How can I feel so lonely when I know I am not? Why do I feel this way when I do not want to feel like this? Let me lay it all on the line here.
I have a good life. I'm in a good marriage that has overcome many struggles. We may be in a rut right now, but it's still a good marriage. And I love him. Probably too much. I have two sons that are absolutely amazing. My eight year old is so smart, witty, and sensitive. Practically a mini-me. My two year old...(well, he'll be 2 in 3 weeks)...my heart soars when he hugs me. He's so damn funny too. My family is great. They have been a tremendous support lately. I have a great job that supports my family while I am slowly plugging away at starting my own business with my best friend. My friends, the extremely few I have, are the best I have ever had. They are my family as well.
Even as I write this, I think to myself, how can someone feel so sad, alone, and unsure when they have what I have? I used to think it was "hormonal" or "stress", but when those subsided, the misery stayed. Some people tell me to relax or have time alone. Well, that's when it's the worst. The more I relax or have time alone, the more I think on it. I think that's why I stay so busy or drink. The busier I am, the less time I have to think. The more shitfaced I get, the less I have to think. Some people tell me to talk about it. How can I talk about it when I'm not really sure about why I feel this way? Plus I feel that people have their own problems, they don't want to hear mine either. And I've shown them that everything is just fine for so long, that I somehow feel I'd "disappoint" or "let down" people. So, I guess that just leaves me with professional help, which I can't afford right now.
I never thought I'd feel this way. Unsure, alone, self-conscious, worried, and sad. I used to be so confident, didn't care if people wanted to be with me or not, didn't give a flying flip what people thought or did, only worried about things that mattered within a short time frame, and probably the happiest person around. I know that being a mother and an adult brings it's own worries, stress, and difficulties, but I just never thought I'd feel ...such despair.