Friday, July 25, 2008

Losing It

I really don't know what to do anymore. I feel I am not allowed to be stressed or upset or anything but in a good mood. If I am, I, then, am told or shown that I'm selfish and I'm not supportive. I feel like I'm going to breakdown and completely lose it all. I was recently told "Just deal." I have been. For 10 years, I have been dealing with every painful dissappointment, stressful situation, heartbreaking lack of anything. I never thought I would reach a breaking point because I have always "been the strong one." I'm tired of being strong. I'm tired of holding it all together so everyone else can freak or stress or just not even think about it. I often feel so alone admist all of the "dependency". No one to actually talk to about it, bear my soul to, let me cry, yell, not make any sense. I don't want anyone to feel like they have to fix the situation. I can fix it...eventually. I just want someone who will let me vent, freak out, whatever. Someone to hold me, tell me everything will be all right, tell me I'll make it through this. I often feel that no one really cares. I know that most of this isn't true, but I often feel that no one understands or can grasp the fact that I don't always have it all together. I feel like things are unraveling at a pace where I can't pick up the slack. I am losing faith in everything and that breaks my heart.

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